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clever one liners

See more ideas about funny quotes, witty one liners, one liner. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Choose the best ones to entertain yourself or your friends. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. Most of them are funny, some of them are thoughtful, and some are thought-provoking. I don’t worry about terrorism. ", "I don't have a beer gut. I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already. That's a bit of a stretch. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Some clever one liners which are sure to tickle the fancies of those who enjoy word play, and that too with a comical twist. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal! ", "I always take life with a grain of salt. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ", Some cause happiness wherever they go. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything. In some cases, a portion of dry humor is what you really need when you’ve got a bad day or problems at work. All Rights Reserved. Opportunity isn’t knocking coz you haven’t built the doors yet. There’s nothing like a really clever joke or one-liner to make us laugh, and that’s why we the team at Quotereelreally enjoyed collecting these clever quotes. Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors? Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. ", "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.". Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. Insiders say it's going to be discontinued in 2021. What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?-A depresso. I do. Onions make me sad. The jaw-dropping history of words from avocado to walrus. 63. But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe. If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches? You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. Puns, One Liners & Clever Wordplay - Members Group has 117,110 members. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. These convenient locations just aren't equipped. Looking for the best way to improve your mood or make your friends laugh? His kid walked away after the first 30 seconds). How about a Fountain of Smart? He won't expect it back. Who says that clever one liners can’t be crazy and hilarious? Perhaps our selection of dark humor one liners… Just read and giggle, giggle, giggle…. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time. "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. These quotes from kick-ass women are sure to inspire you. I don’t have an attitude problem. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. With these best one liners ever, you can find yourself laughing like a crazed hyena. I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child. Super funny one liners for adults should always be in your back pocket. “You can’t belay a man who’s falling in love.” ~ Edward Abbey. “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. Below we’ve collected the most hilarious short one liner jokes. ", "At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. Always borrow money from a pessimist. The last thing I want to do is insult you. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. If only you had planned ahead and had a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever you needed them…. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. How mean! He wanted to win the No-bell prize! Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. What is faster Hot or cold? This list is bound to make you laugh…or at the very least smile! Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia. ", "The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. What are your other two wishes? ", "Women should not have children after 35. But nothing rubs it in like a computer. If nothing was learned, nothing was taught. ", "If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet? ", "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. ", When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water. ", "We have enough youth. Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright, too. Well, yes and no. All pro athletes are bilingual. ", "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. ", "Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen. Because they taste funny. Funny One Liners. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. If … The one-liner is an age-old comedy art form. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? ", "Life's like a bird. Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…. Live smarter, look better,​ and live your life to the absolute fullest. I was married for two years. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon. More Witty One-Liners… By admin September 6, 2013 As you may be aware, Friday is the day for witty one-liners here, although I do use the term witty in its broadest sense, and some of these stretch all the way to a second line with some browser settings, so please don’t be disappointed if they are not original, nor that witty…. ", "My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. They don’t remember the lyrics! Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”? “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” Hot, because you can catch a cold. Others whenever they go. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. One-Liners It happens even in a gathering of old friends. 3. Our collection contains some of the most interesting and ridiculous one liners. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello. Don’t ignore our dumb one liners. ". I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it. ", "The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Life’s like a bird. They have the power to take big subjects – politics, love, marriage, sex, death – and cut through them with the precision of a surgeon 13 Clever Insults That Will Easily Make You Win Any Argument Ever. Relax, we've got your back. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”. I always take life with a grain of salt. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. Clever One-Liners. 2. And a shot of tequila. ", "I don't have a girlfriend. "I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around. Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn’t want.” ~ William Binger. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Why do bees hum? I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. Our good one liner puns are a wonderful source of excellent mood. And a shot of tequila. Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad. ", "Worrying works! Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him. ", I don't suffer from insanity. I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine. ", "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. We'll see about that. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. Am I ambivalent? There’s nothing better than a good smile, and what better way to do so that with these clean one liner jokes below. : Amazon.es: Gerd de Ley: Libros en idiomas extranjeros

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