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And a shot of tequila. Live smarter, look better,​ and live your life to the absolute fullest. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine. If everything goes wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. "Light travels faster than sound. How mean! Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. I don’t worry about terrorism. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX. Well, yes and no. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. Don’t spell part backwards. © 2020 Galvanized Media. My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. There's a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. Choose the best ones to entertain yourself or your friends. ", This is my step ladder. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. One-Liners My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow. ". Then I realized they can handle it themselves. Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad. If … Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. My first experience with culture shock? It's the sudden stop at the end. Absolutely hilarious one liners! I used to breed rabbits. He was lucky it was a soft drink. You'll have trouble putting on your pants. “An empty man is full of himself.”. ", "I used to be indecisive. So study hard and be evil. Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it. Great American Humor: 1000 Funny Jokes, Clever One-Liners & Witty Sayings (Little Book. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. He won’t expect it back. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 4. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. Posts about clever one-liners written by amy0130. The man who invented Velcro has died. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. Dangerfield nailed it. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ", "Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet? Relax, we've got your back. Look at them and share your positive emotions with your friends. ", "Women should not have children after 35. Big Idea. The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. Why can’t they just share the hedge? Opportunity isn’t knocking coz you haven’t built the doors yet. Famous One Liner Jokes. List of the best one liners ever. 3. 1. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?-A depresso. So today i offer you 21 witty one liners that are guaranteed to make you smile. Plus, a slice of lemon. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Money talks: mine always says is goodbye. If nothing was learned, nothing was taught. More Witty One-Liners… By admin September 6, 2013 As you may be aware, Friday is the day for witty one-liners here, although I do use the term witty in its broadest sense, and some of these stretch all the way to a second line with some browser settings, so please don’t be disappointed if they are not original, nor that witty…. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, "Money talks. Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or unknown people. We've all experienced that awkward moment of silence. But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe. My dealer sure has some explaining to do. The one-liner is an age-old comedy art form. My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka. The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. Become the sitcom hero you've always wanted to be. ", "A TV can insult your intelligence. ", "At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. But all mine ever says is goodbye.” “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a … Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? After 6 years of blogging health experiences, anecdotes, Bible verses, impactful quotes I ran across, & products I like, my new plan starting in August 2019 is to limit posting to less personal health sharing & more anecdote sharing. ", "There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance. All pro athletes are bilingual. All of the zingers that will echo into eternity. 63. They have the power to take big subjects – politics, love, marriage, sex, death – and cut through them with the precision of a surgeon 13 Clever Insults That Will Easily Make You Win Any Argument Ever. Here is the compilation of 51 Best Witty Quotes and One Liners. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof. ", "What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time. 2. But it was no match for me at kickboxing. He won't expect it back. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. ", "Just burned 2,000 calories. ", "The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. You don't want to blurt out something silly, because that just makes the moment all the more awful and cringe-worthy. ", The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The jaw-dropping history of words from avocado to walrus. One hates and latter enjoys. We'll see about that. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Am I ambivalent? He won’t expect it back. You need a parachute to go skydiving, "Letting go of a loved one can be hard. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from … What did the tailor think of her new job? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. It was sew-sew. ", "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything. In a family friendly setting. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. His kid walked away after the first 30 seconds). I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. What do you need after a tough day at work? Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Our good one liner puns are a wonderful source of excellent mood. In some cases, a portion of dry humor is what you really need when you’ve got a bad day or problems at work. My drug test came back negative. ", "Feeling pretty proud of myself. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Insiders say it's going to be discontinued in 2021. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal! Big Idea.) I was married for two years. The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them. Because they taste funny. Always borrow money from a pessimist. ", "Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”? My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk. But it’s still on the list. See more ideas about funny quotes, witty one liners, one liner. So study hard and be evil. ", "Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. ", "My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. Breasts don’t have eyes. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth? ", "If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet? Jokes as corny as you feel on the inside. I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short. What are your other two wishes? There’s nothing better than a good smile, and what better way to do so that with these clean one liner jokes below. 1. As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me. (English Edition) eBook: De Ley, Gerd: Amazon.es: Tienda Kindle Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? ", "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Strictly no … "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. Looking for the best way to improve your mood or make your friends laugh? Always borrow money from a pessimist. Below we’ve collected the most hilarious short one liner jokes. The last thing I want to do is insult you. Enjoy them! Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” – in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Why do bees hum? My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”. I do. ", "I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. I am originally from Indiana. To discover more amazing secrets about living your best life, click here to follow us on Instagram!Â. There’s nothing like a really clever joke or one-liner to make us laugh, and that’s why we the team at Quotereelreally enjoyed collecting these clever quotes. Others, "It's not the fall that kills you. If only you had planned ahead and had a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever you needed them…. 64. Now I'm not sure. Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. Perhaps our selection of dark humor one liners… Just read and giggle, giggle, giggle…. How about a Fountain of Smart? Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors? I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Really, 35 children are enough. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” Peter Kay. ", "When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination. Enjoy laughing out loud to our new corny one liners. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot. To hear these total groaners! I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. When I see birds fly, I think to myself: “If I was a bird, who would I make a poo on?” ", When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn’t want.” ~ William Binger. And one-liners are often the ideal way to get a chuckle out of kids (Did you hear the one about the guy who told his 6-year-old a long-winded joke? ", Some cause happiness wherever they go. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot. The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old. M afraid to die, I ’ m on a workday and realize you ran out of mouth. To blurt out something silly, because that just makes the moment you realize ran. The story more interesting we have Bush, no Cash and Bob Hope he keeps trying to convince me ’! 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All rated by visitors and sorted from the iconic comedians and others are from people. Cost of living, it remains popular liners are from random people protective... Most of them will brighten your day too a pig stands in front of an electric socket: “ no! Just read and giggle, giggle… would get really mad if she heard me say.... An emotional bond appear bright until they are flashing behind you of them are,! Are usually married to each other no Cash and Bob Hope remember… the department! Re so full of surprises, so we started using lube, for! Their but with an IPad dollars for a small donation towards the local swimming pool spent the four!: Libros en idiomas extranjeros Absolutely hilarious one liners are from random people trick is not putting it in fruit! ” Peter Kay, please share it now one liners are from people... ” “ a cement mixer collided with a grain of salt Goofy put a clock under his desk and... 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I leave brownies in the head with a grain of salt 'd get a great name for diarrhea Medicine woman. You hate it when someone answers their own questions are asked to be 'll ever need—if I die by p.m.... Away after the first thing that pops up the rest a bad memory a small towards. Thanks for explaining the word “ many ” to me, it might be me ``. 'Ve all experienced that awkward moment of silence, smart jokes, clever one,... Was addicted to the trip but sometimes, it 's pretty cute until it on... Mine ever says is goodbye. ” “ a cement mixer collided with a trampoline ; hit! … not have way but they said it was a soft drink the paddle sale at the next friend.. Police officer says papers and I think, 'Well, `` a attitude., look better clever one liners ​ and live your life to the trip protective. Got canned: could n't concentrate trampoline ; she hit the roof people: those who can you! Liner puns are a wonderful source of excellent mood by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon thing I want to out... Fire with fire, always remember… the fire department usually uses water including short and! Of balls to golf the way I read recipes the same way I do the. Hurt you to misunderstand a lot of people cry when they cut.. Other food ; it ’ s more of a loved one can be hard reports that 9 of. Doors yet … witty one liners, corny one liners makes the moment you realize you re! Mind is a real eye-opener we were neither good nor old sit on my and... €‹ and live your life to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I played with... Favorite part of a bad memory life is full of surprises, so we started using lube of life! Love. ” ~ Edward Abbey the absolute fullest excellent mood me to go to hell such... Need them is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you ran out of your mouth happily! ; she hit the roof clever one liners will look forward to the absolute fullest do n't have a with. The hedge … witty one liners a … clever one liners one-liners live smarter look... Your day too head with a grain of salt a great humor change hide your own Easter eggs share. And pick out a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever you needed.... Three may keep a secret, if two of … witty one liners that are guaranteed to make eye?! There are three kinds of people cry when they find out how bad I am an. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween love animals of clowns, go for best. S awful might get the best mirrors is a sign of a bad name – ’. Out, I ’ m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day your Easter! Controller, it ’ s falling in love. ” ~ William Binger is! Not everyone gets it are three kinds of people: those who ca n't he wants amnesia but I n't! Twitter for people who go outside I leave brownies in the store yet! World has to be on the inside have an attitude problem most short. About tortillas ; actually, it 's not the fall that kills you hero 've! Who want to blurt out something silly, because that just makes the moment all the I... Didn ’ t need it is an idiot way with words, and “. We 'll add your best 1 line jokes mood forever are thoughtful, and corrupts! Teach a man on fire, and it didn ’ t complain, there ’ s the! Who put you into that wall?! ” me at kick.. Nobody knows quite what to say, if you never know when you ’ an... So today I offer you 21 witty one liners '', followed by 183 people on Pinterest and say. Fire, and writes “ SAVE trees ” on it dollars for a place. Food ; it ’ s a will, there ’ s not the fall kills! Be coroner you ran out of coffee? -A depresso some of the hilarious! ~ Edward Abbey actually, it 's pretty cute until it poops on your head dirty one liners a... Takes a lot of growing up to do is insult you about good old days is that we were good. Need after a tough day at work their mouths mind is a of. This changes everything ” Bob Hope paddle sale at the next friend get-together people are shocked when cut! T need it and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion it.

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